Yet still, the porn comes to my mailbox. I have two arch nemesi: 1) Allure's annual "Best of Beauty" issue. It's sick, this issue. Something like 50 pages (!) of the products you must have, according to Allure's editors. These girls, they're professional whores. They know what I like. 2) The Blissout catalog. She visits me once a month, an evil seductress offering the finer things in life. And when I say finer, I mean, they Hoover your entire bank account, you get a coupla eye shadows. But it's okay, for the cheeky copy tells you so. They sell hard on that sistahood-beauty-bond thing, and damn, if it doesn't work.

You'd think I wouldn't fall for this stuff. I work in advertising, for god's sake. But really, it all comes down to hope. Hope, and a desire to be cute. I wanna be cute forever.

So if you've tried the Z.Bigatti Re-Storation Deep Repair Serum ($195), the Matis Mandarin Paste ($34), the Sue Devitt Bermuda Triangle Concealer ($21) or the Aesop Wild Lime Hair Polish ($28), do me a solid: Tell me it sucks.

Better yet, send me your unused portion.

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