I was horrified. I mean, I'd been going, like, 2 miles an hour, but still. Babies are little. And breakable. And the dad, he was losing his mind. "YOU KILLED MY BABY! MY BABYYY!" Again and again, a constant loop. I wanted to throw up or peel out, one of the two. But cooler heads prevailed. I jumped out of the car, away from the safety of my big steel box, and ran around to the front. The baby was just lying there. Motionless.

And, um, not a baby.

Dude made a baby out of knee-high nylons stuffed with cotton balls and packing peanuts. And the head? Where the eyes should've been? He took special care to choose two darker packing peanuts.

Fucking. Freak. I kicked the un-baby, shoved the stroller and hightailed it back to my car.

My alley, 1. Your alley, 0.

end